Sunday, October 28, 2007
I spent three hours in the dentist chair on Friday because I was unable to become numb. I find that ironic, since I have become acutely aware of my overall numbness in general. I am content, complacent and not easily riled. I do experience acute anxiety rather frequently, but it seems to abate with regular exercise and a sensible diet. When I was young, I felt everything so deeply that I was compelled to write, paint, dance, make music -- anything to exorcise those deep feelings that were so overwhelming that my functioning was impaired by their insistence for my attention. How could I work at a normal job when the world's woes were my own? How could I bother to clean the kitchen when my elation was so prominent that I burst with energy? Of course, in my youth I suffered debilitating mood disorders that drove me to self-medication, therapy and an alternative life style. Now, I am settled, mature. I have held the same job for over seven years. I raised children. I am a homeowner and drive an older luxury car. I am tired with responsibility and not at all unhappy. I have that middle class lack of feeling that surprises me because it is so easy to live with. Nevertheless, I cannot get really numb, for which I am grateful.