So far, this year has been fraught with one illness after another. No matter how they start -- ear ache, sore throat -- they all end up in my sinuses and reside there for weeks at a time. And this year, just when I thought I could see the light, I get nailed again. At this point, I am discouraged, disgruntled and depressed trying to resolve sinus infection number three.
As I drove home from work yesterday, my eye was struck by the beauty of the green carpeted hills that were slipping in dusk under a thickly clouded sky, heavy with a taste of rain that may or may not come. I was driving in a technocolor movie set where the expansive beauty of the sky and the hills could only have been created by masterful artisans. By my heart was not really open to what that felt like. I saw it. I did not feel it. That added to my dismay. I am too stuffed up to feel that which inspired me.
I will see the doctor this afternoon. I will get anxious as I wait. I will probably even feel clearer as my adreline will be slightly pumped up by the anticipation of seeing the doctor. I will feel guitly for being there, as if somehow I should not be taking up the doctor's time. But at this point, as I have not seen the doctor since January when this all started with an ear infection (which at that time, had not yet landed in my sinus), I am resigned to the fact that stronger medicine is required. I have tried a gazillion over the counter, home and alternative remedies. At the point, I just need stronger medicine.
Meanwhile, my creative activities have been hampered. I had a day or two in the past couple of months when I was able to sing -- but even those efforts still have some lingering evidence of post-nasal drip. Also, my energy for such work is completely compromised. I managed to participate in some big projects -- Box, Window, Door, two impov performances, several podcasts have been delivered (with distinctly adenoidinal voice overs) -- but I was immediately slammed after each effort with a relapse. I thought I had given myself time and permission to recover, likening the sinus infection to an apt analaogy; after a remarkable year of incredible activity, I needed to take some time to breathe. I was comfortable shutting down for a week or two -- but this is now too much.
Spring is imminent and I want my heart to be open to all spring offers -- its delight, its promise, its potential.